Haiku Archive


13 Assassins
Samurai classic
Epic battle finale
Bloody breathtaking.

21 Jump Street
Stupid comedy
Dick joke, dick joke, more dick jokes
One for high schoolers

Loads against a few
But the few are pretty hard
And a bit shouty

Beware! You WILL cry
But you will laugh out loud too
Film of ’11!


Shirt off in four mins
Um… no one was abducted!
More ‘bored’ than ‘Bourne’. Dumb.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Carrey’s big breakthrough
Seeking the Dophin mascot
The laces were in.

The Adjustment Bureau
Sci-fi romance tale
Hats and doors, plan versus chance
Love will find a way

Air Force One
President H. Ford
Terrorists take over plane
Daft but watchable

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa
Norwich’s Finest
Disgruntled DJ with gun
‘Back of the net’ good.

Alex Cross
Unconvincing cops
A least the bad guy was bad.
Made me ‘cross’ watching.

The Amazing Spiderman
Much improved reboot
A Spidey I recognise
High hopes for next one

American Beauty
Carrier bag art
Mid-life and teenage crises
Sexy rose petals

Anna Karenina
Proof that Law can act
Some staging is genius
The ‘passion’ felt forced

Animal Kingdom
Family of crims
Powerhouse performances
Will leave you gasping.

Scott Lang’s redemption.
Paul Rudd is cast perfectly.
Fathers and daughters.

Any Given Sunday
Stone’s look at football
Hard hitting on and off field
Don’t hate the player…

True hostage rescue
Oscar worthy direction
Ar-go and see it

The Artist
Black and white. Silent
Great performances all round.
Bring on the Oscars!

Brand as Batman?
Grrr… Almost walked out in disgust!
But…I laughed. No, really

Arthur Christmas
Festively funny
One for all the family
Seasonal staple

Attack The Block
Council estate scares
Hard to find love for heroes
Flawed but some nice talk.

Avengers Assemble
The best of Marvel
Whedon’s script is the hero
Comic book template

Avengers Age of Ultron
Heroes saving lives!?!
Ramming Hawkeye down our throats
Setting up next phase


Back To The Future 
DeLorean time machine
Issues with Mommy

Back to the Future II
Grays Sports Almanac
Future mistakes effect past.
We want hoverboards!

Back to the Future III
Back to the old west.
The Mad Dog and the Blacksmith
Leone homage.

Bad Boys
Whatcha gonna do?
Fresh Prince becomes movie star
Michael Bay slo-mo

Batman (1989)
Joker top billing
A dark, gothic… er… Gotham
Franchise viagra

Batman Returns
Penguin and the Cat
Liberties with character
Batman’s just support.

Batman Forever
Kilmer takes the cowl
There’s no Harvey in Two-Face
Mid twenties Robin

Batman and Robin 
Alfred is dying
A. Bat. Fucking. Credit. Card!
Yes. Ice. I get it.

Batman The Movie (1966)
West and Ward camp fest
Dark Knight isn’t always dark
Sometimes he’s funny

Batman Begins
Origin dealt with
Need to stop Scarecrow’s toxin
Katie Holmes miscast

Batman: The Dark Knight
Genre gamechanger
I believe in Harvey Dent
Bittersweet Joker

Batman: The Dark Knight Rises
Bane’s voice is funny
A broken Batman heals fast
Heath… What could have been…

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Pt 1
Frank Miller’s classic
Look and tone of the series
Lightning silhouette.

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Post Katarina
Once, there was a Hushpuppy
On screen poetry

The Beaver
Mel has psychosis
Communicates through puppet
Fiction by the way

The ghost with the most
Say his name three times. Dare you!
Black and white striped suit

Zoltar machine wish
Shimmy shimmy coco pop…
Piano duet

The Big Lebowski
No, no… He’s ‘The Dude’
Follows the Chandler structure
White Russian moustache

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
History project
Telephone box time travel
“and… Party on dudes!”

Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey
Battle of the bands
Good v Bad robot usses
Chuck De Nomolos

Performances soar
Pretentious Carver carve up
Precise camera work

The Black Dahlia
Fifties murder case
Has made Ellroy’s LA bland
Hack job editing

D List daywalker
Slaying vampires, wearing shades
First Marvel that worked

Blade Runner
Hunting replicants
Origami unicorn
Define… ‘human’ life.

The Blair Witch Project
Low budget success
Found the footage in the woods
Close up on the eye

Silent monochrome
Bleak Spanish ‘Snow White’ retell
Six bullfighting dwarves

The Blues Brothers
On mission from God
You only see his eyes once
Car crash aplenty

Blues Brothers 2000 
No new ideas
Different kind of car crash
A soulless ‘sequel’

The Bourne Legacy
No Damon? So what?
A thoughtful, action thriller
Bourne lives in Renner.

Noir set in high school
Has a language of it’s own
Accomplished debut

Scottish folk story
Traditional Disney feel
Lacks Pixar spirit

Blue faced warrior
Fighting for Scottish ‘Freeeeeeeedom!’
Blood pumping battles

Brokeback Mountain
Yeah, yeah… Gay cowboys.
Subtle Ledger fireworks
Living with regrets

Bullet to the Head
Hitman, cop team up
Rocky series in mugshots
Mumbling V O

The Burbs
The neighbours from hell.
Or are they misunderstood?
Cul-de-sac crazies.


Cabin In The Woods
Not a horror fan…
but loved this. Funny, thoughtful
A genuine treat

Captain America 
Weedy Cap, freaky
Hugo’s accent is Arnie!
Action galore. Ace!

Captain America: The Winter Soldier
A face from the past
Marvel does espionage
Redford gravitas

Letters of transit
They’ll always have Paris, Sam
Simply perfection

Casino Royale
Don’t trust anybody
Bond in genuine peril
Craig raises the stakes

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
That’s not in the book…
Creepier Wonka works-ish
Colourful but bland

Three teens gain powers
Character development
How would you use them?

Black and white chatting
Hello Jay and Silent Bob
Thirty seven dicks.

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind
UFO face burn
Devil’s Tower as food art
Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum

Coach Carter
High school basketball
Improve grades or you don’t play
Ructions but results

The Cold Light Of Day
Kidnapped family
He’s running here, sprinting there
But it goes nowhere

Contract killer fare
Dreams of driving a limo
Offing witnesses

Rescuing Jenny
A channel hopper stopper
He lied to Sully

Con Air
Vertical push ups
Put bunny back in the box
Heroes love mullets.

Lacks feel of the books
Falters but everyone tries
Angels and devils

Schlubby sheriff
Corruption… conspiracy…
Sly career best

Crazy, Stupid, Love.
A rom-com with twists
Indie feel, Hollywood stars
Tomei is jarring.

The Croods
Caveman Family
(Nope, ‘Cage-Man’ just doesn’t work!)
Surprisingly good

The Crow
Brandon Lee’s last film
Return from dead for revenge
Gotta rain sometime


Dark City
Crystal Maze villain
Dark, atmospheric sci-fi
Wheezy Sutherland.

The Da Vinci Code
Loyal to the novel
Following clues to the grail
Plodding adventure

The Death of ‘Superman Lives’: What Happened?
Jon Peters mad man
Crowd funded passion project
Cage looked great! Honest!

Demolition Man
Stallone versus Snipes
Frozen to fight in future
Three seashells puzzle.

The Descendants
Clooney plays a dad
Payne is on form once again
Hawaii sadness

Despicible Me 2
Merchandise cash cow
Minions part of problem
One was bad, two worse.

Die Hard
White vest and no shoes
Nakatomi Plaza. Boom!
Terrorist freefall.

Die Hard 2
Waiting for Holly
Terrorists in the airport
There’s your landing light.

Die Hard With a Vengeance
Simon Says: Bring Sam.
John’s got a really bad headache.
Convenient script

Die Hard 4.0
A digital threat.
Hacker for partner this time.
Kills  chopper with car

Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die Hard
McClane’s in Russia
John reduced to support role
Franchise just died hard.

Double Indemnity
Life insurance clause
A dictophone confession
Set the noir standard

Dracula Untold
Blindfold marching?!? Whaaaat?
The original Bat Man
Should have stayed untold

Draft Day
A wipe wonderland
Human drama at play too
Snap. Throw. Catch? Fumble.

Authentic Dredd tale
Heads exploding left and right
My judgement: Brutal!

Action over words
Pulsing electro soundtrack
Iconic jacket

Dumb and Dumber
Road trip to Aspen
Their pet’s heads are falling off
Kick his ass, Sea Bass

Dumb and Dumber To
Searching for kidney
Kick the writers ass, Sea Bass!
Simply not funny.


North pole to New York.
Buddy searches for his dad.
Raising Christmas cheer

End Of Days
Religious action
Gabe Byrne chews the scenery
“Fucking choirboy”

End Of Watch
Oscar worthy leads
New benchmark for ‘buddy’ films
You’ll laugh, cry and wince.

Alien in drag
Iconic moon silhouette
Makes me cry. So what?

The Expendables
Action stars unite
All the names, none of the fun
Misleading title

The Expendables 2
Head shot explosions
Hilarious, awful script
Thank you Chuck Norris

The Extraordinary Adventures Of Adele Blanc-Sec
French tomb raiding fun
Subtitles will put peeps off
Shame. Great cinema


Fair Game
Watts is like a spy
Camera amateur hour
Penn plays Sean Penn. Bore…

A pregnant sheriff
Dark, subtle and nuanced. Ya.
Woodchipper. Nasty.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Faking a sickie
Headmaster out to get him
“He’s a rightous dude.”

The Fifth Element
Great Evil nears
Willis is Earth’s only hope
Leeloo multi pass.

He’s a reporter
“All ball bearings nowadays”
Master of disguise.

Upside down landing
An alcoholic pilot
Long, but felt longer

Forrest Gump
Box of chocolates.
Life time loving Jenny.
Waiting for the bus.

A boy and his dog
Stop motion with emotion
Better than ‘Nightmare’

The French Connection
Santa Claus foot chase
Superlative train pursuit
Meaningful hand wave.

Fright Night (2011)
Vampire remake
Don’t trust the next door neighbour
Blood letting and laughs.

From Paris With Love
Badass with bald head
Taking down the drug dealers
OTT nonsense

The Fugitive
Innocent doc flees
Searches for the one armed man
Persued by Gerrard.


Venkman, Stanz, Spengler
Gozer wants to end the world
Who you gonna call?

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2011)
Where is Craig’s accent?
Fincher is worth the remake
Sinister Enya

Ridley Scott epic
And he will have his vengeance
But he’s not ‘Spanish’…

Godzilla (2014)
Immense sense of scale.
Humans? Whatever… KAIJU!*
King of the monsters!

Gone Girl
Ben in public eye.
Accused of his wife’s murder.
Unflinching Fincher.

Violently stylish
Henry becomes a gangster
Don’t say he’s funny

Good Will Hunting
Brainy janitor
How’d ya like dem apples?
Beards win Oscars

The Goonies
One Eyed Willy quest
Truffle shuffle bullying
Eighties nostalgia

Stay drunk, stay alive
Great Irish monster movie
Jumpy and funny

The Great Escape
Cooler king’s ball bounce
Tom, Dick and Harry tunnels
An epic war movie

The Great Gatsby
Style over substance
Please stop saying “Old Sport”. Please.
Not so great Gatsby

Green Lantern
Basic GL flaw
He’s meant to be space cop!
A franchise squandered

The Green Mile
A good Stephen King
Big John Coffey on death row
A very old mouse

What’s in the cage, Dad?
Don’t get Gizmo wet, Uh oh
Snow White singalong

Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Chaos in New York
‘Girl’ Gremlin still freaks me out
Not as dark. Suffers.

The Grinch
Jim brings it to life
It’s joyful and triumphant
Seasonal must see

Groundhog Day
Punxsutawney Phil
Six AM: I got you babe
Time loop comedy

The Guard
Irish cop on case
Booze, hooers, guns and a fed
Like in Bruges? Love this

Guardians of the Galaxy
Cosmic universe
Funny, cool, rewatchable
The dance, man. The dance!


Happy Gilmore
Sandler’s funniest
Hockey player turned golfer
Needs cash for Grandma

Harry Potter 1: The Philosophers Stone
Welcome to Hogwarts
That’s what Quidditch looks like then
Theme tune never stops!

Harry Potter 2: The Chamber Of Secrets
Kids are ‘petrified’.
It’s Tom Riddle’s diary!
And a big ass snake.

Harry Potter 3: The Prisoner Of Azkaban
Dementors… dement
Sirius Black on the loose
Cuaron ups ante.

Harry Potter 4: The Goblet Of Fire 
Voldemort returns
The Tri wizard tournament
The darkness begins.

Harry Potter 5: The Order Of The Phoenix 
‘I must not tell lies’.
Battling the Death Eaters
Now they believe him.

Harry Potter 6: The Half Blood Prince
Harry finds a book / Dumbledore
Hans Gruber fall
Learn of horcruxes

Harry Potter 7: The Deathly Hallows part 1
Out in the real world
Searching for the horcruxes
Dobby the hero

Harry Potter 7: The Deathly Hallows part 2 
Harry v Voldy
Finally. It’s the showdown
Save the best till last

Bad acting badass
Music lifted from Ocean’s
Fights but no real punch

Norwegian thriller
Napolean complex thief
Steals from very wrong guy

Stylish crime opus
De Niro and Pacino
Masterful from Mann

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Opening chapter
Dwarves out to reclaim their gold
Bilbo, meet Gollum.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Long but better paced
Shooting Dwarves in a barrel
Bard is all Welsh-y.

Home Alone
Such bad parenting
The villainous wet bandits
Tar, Ice, nails, cans. PAIN!!

Hotel Transylvania
Hotel for monsters
Painful musical numbers
It’s horrifying

How I Spent My Summer Vacation
Mexican prison
Need a baddie? Call Stormare
Liver redemption

How To Train Your Dragon
Vikings fight dragons
Boy befriends the ‘enemy’
Firebreathing fun.

Too drab for the kids
Love letter to early film
Great use of 3D

Green man’s origin
Cannot fault Lee’s ambition
More arty than smash

Hunger Games
Good cast. Boring tale.
Easy to say ‘Royale Light’
Tucci’s having fun


Ice Age 4: Continental Drift
The kids there loved it
Scrat, still the star of the show
Life in series still

In Bruges
Hitmen hiding out
Hilarious and painful
Glorious swearfest.

There’s dreams within dreams
Epic, clever, well crafted
Stars Tom Berenger!

The Incredible Hulk
Norton not Bana
Hulk smashes more in this one
Not ‘incredible’…

Independence Day
Blowing up White House.
Rousing presidential speech.
Compatible tech

Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark
Bull whip, fedora
Why does it have to be snakes?
Beat the Nazi’s. Phew.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Joneses seek the grail.
Story was chosen… wisely.
Great lead chemistry.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
First scenes promising…
Mutt sucks. Story sucks. Skull sucks
It’s made me angry

Inside Out
It’s all in her head.
Emotionally driven.
Sacrifices laughs.

In Time
Time as currency
Nice idea but falls flat
Unlike her footwear…

Iron Man
Downey is perfect.
Resurrected careers.
Stark tech saves Stark life.

Iron Man 3
The Stark Knight. Kinda
Doing the Mandarin right
Broke suit and psyche.

Iron Sky
Nazi’s based on moon
Earth invasion B-Movie
Cult status for sure.

It’s A Wonderful Life
Wishes he was dead
Depressing Christmas classic
Clarence gets his wings


Jack Reacher
He’s not a hero
Likeable but throwaway
Tom on cruise control.

Jane Eyre
Hauntingly tragic
Best classic adaptation?
Leads transfix me quite.

An unseen killer
Generations stop swimming
Bigger boat needed

J Edgar
Stylish biopic
Fascinating character
Terrible make up

Back and to the left
Conspiracy ensemble
Montage 101

John Carter
Ambitious sci fi
Not as bad as they told you
Barsoom derring do.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
Dull with a good cast
Run, hide, duck, quick, fly that bee…
“The thunder cookie”

Jurassic Park
When theme parks go wrong
T-Rex scene still terrific
Raptor – “Clever girl”


The Keep
Early Michael Mann
Malevolent entity
Plot is baffling.

Knight and Day
Rogue agent. Perhaps…
Diaz, vintage annoying
Bargain basket bound.


LA Confidential
50′s LA cops
accomplished adaptation
Sleaze, suits and shotguns

The Last Airbender
Ha ha ha. Bender…
Loses fun of the cartoon
A sequel might help

The Last Stand
Good to have him back
Script full of exposition
Johnny Knoxville? Groan…

Western with gangsters
When the blood runs it runs red
Thrilling Nick Cave script.

Lethal Weapon
Mel has a death wish
Glover “too old for this shit”
Template for action

Life Of Pi
Water. Calm. Harsh. Grand.
Lost at sea… with a tiger
A feat to behold

The Limey
Stamp demands revenge
Non Linear editing
“Tell them I’m coming!”

Like a zoom much Pal?
Limitless? Nah, limited
Drugs give life success!

Abe loves a story
Acting inhabitation
Respectful portrait

The Lincoln Lawyer
Office in the car
Above average thriller
Start of a series?

Space prison break in
Some one liners made me laugh
CGI, yi yi.

Lone Star
Finding skeletons
Intelligent thoughtful pace
Life in Frontera

Time travelling wows
Telekinesis and guns
No plot holes. Just loops.

The Lorax
Seuss eco warning
Have to describe it as ‘meh’
Some fuzzy cheap laughs

LOTR: The Fellowship Of The Ring
Small dudes walking
Need to chuck away a ring
One grumpy Balrog.

LOTR: The Two Towers
Gollum, take the stage
Moody Frodo, stupid Ents
An epic battle.

LOTR: The Return Of The King
Almost there, Frodo
Aragorn needs to step up
Enjoyed all endings.

Love Actually
Interwined vignettes
Trademark Curtis comedy
Heathrow arrivals


Major League
Cleveland Indians
Owner wants to move franchise
Wild Thing needs glasses

Man On A Ledge
Throwaway Thriller
Was not man on edge of seat
Obvious throughout

Margin Call
Wall Street crash thriller
Superb cast act superbly
Attention span req

The Matrix
Red pill or blue pill
Neo. Anagram of ‘one’.
Bullet time gimmick

The Maze Runner
Lord of the Flies light.
Post apocalyptic teens.
Giant rat maze test.

Reverse narrative
Memory loss murder hunt
Reminder tattoos

Men In Black 3
Understanding K
Back in time to save the world
A worthwhile sequel

Midnight Run
Bounty hunter Bob
Non buddy buddy movie
Remake soon I’m sure

Minority Report
Future crimes unit
Three bald pre cogs in a pool
Everybody runs

Mission: Impossible
NOC list McGuffin.
Successful TV reboot.
Red light. Green Light. Boom.

Misson: Impossibe 2
Woo brings more action.
Must stop Chimera virus.
Face masks aplenty.

Mission: Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol
Good action with laughs
First live action film from Bird
Mission accomplished!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Arthur’s holy quest
Ferocious bunny rabbit
Coconut horses.

Monty Python and the Life Of Brian
Was controversial
He’s a very naughty boy
Crucifix sing song

The Monuments Men
Stolen artwork search
Why not cast a French actress
Slow but worth telling.

Moonrise Kingdom
Fishhook bug earrings
Indie film yellow titles
Sweet teenage romance

The Muppets 
A welcome return
Who doesn’t like the Muppets?
Maniacal laughs

My Week With Marilyn 
True, supposedly
Michelle Williams’ nails it
Week? Felt like a month


The Naked Gun
Plot to kill the queen
“It’s Enrico Pallazzo!”
Achingly funny

North By Northwest
Flawless Hitch classic
Mistaken Identity
Has everything. Great.

Now you See Me
Magician bank heists
Lacked misdirection needed
Loved the concept though


Tom Cruise as Wall:E
With less personality
‘Twists’ are obvious!!!!

Live octopi munch
Corridor onslaught
Beautifully messed up

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Nurse Ratched’s regime
Choose: Asylum or jail time?
Chief likes juicy fruit.

Out Of Sight
Doing Elmore right
Cool crime caper chemistry
George shaved his hairline


The business of dreams
Japanese animation
What is going on?

Animated scares
Story wounded but survives
Horror conventions.

Passenger 57
Terrorists take plane
‘Die Hard in the sky’ it’s not
“Always bet on black”

Remake of Point Blank
Gibson does his best Marvin
but he’s no Marvin

The Pirates!
Aardman stop motion
Expected more laughs and fun
A disappointment.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
Captain Jack Sparrow
Pirates look cool in moonlight
Cursed aztec coinage

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Jack’s unpaid blood debt
So Davey Jones is a… squid?
Release the Kraken!

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
It is what it is
Movie making by numbers
Worst so far. A waste

A Prairie Home Companion
Ensemble. Vintage.
Altman’s final but not best
Mortality piece.

The Princess Bride
A bedtime story
Swashbuckling fantasy
Watch it with your kids.

Why all the backlash?
Gorgeous, thought provoking, scares
Sci Fi at its best.

The Place Beyond The Pines
Stuntman needs money
Rookie cop is a hero
Offspring full circle

Sheen never better
Arms aloft, bullets riddle
Bye bye innocence.

Point Break
Surfer bank robbers
Utah goes undercover
Freedom of the wave

A genre splitter
Invisible enemy
“Ain’t got time to bleed”

Kept eighties feel
Broody Brody’s Batman voice
Three red dots mean dead

Premium Rush
New York courier
Chased by a cop that giggles
Smiley face receipt

Low budget kudos
Time travel consequences
A film to watch twice

Issues with mother
More than just a shower scene
Shrink talk ending sucks

Public Enemies
Dillinger manhunt
Depression era robbers
Sharp suits, Tommy guns.

Pulp Fiction
Intertwined stories
Non-Linear masterclass
Bad motherfuckers.


Raging Bull
Bob’s punching the walls
Jake LaMotta’s fall from grace
Bloody black and white

The Raid 
Holy! Fucking! Shit!
Best action film for decade
Your. Mind. Will be. BLOWN!

LA Cop’s descent
Harrelson slow burn madness
Slow is the key word.

The Raven
Last days of Edgar
Killer brings Poe’s tales to life
Formulaic bore

Real Steel 
Robots fight robots
Big, dumb, Summer blockbuster
A popcorn movie

Thirty year lost nuke
Globetrotting but… aimless
Nonsensical plot

Red Lights –
Guy snoring. Row five
Bad directing lets it down
Shame. Had potential

Reign Of Fire
England turned to ash
Fighting dragons in future
Sounds cool huh? It’s not.

Reservoir Dogs
Robbery goes bad.
Frequently imitated
Quentin’s calling card

Resident Evil
Based on Capcom game
Not even ‘so bad it’s good’
There’s four more? No way…

Rise Of The Guardians
Mythical legends
The children need to believe!
Jack Frost is cool. (Ha!)

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Don’t hurt the poor ape!
You’ll come to regret that… See?
Some good. Some bad. Hmm…

Road House
A guilty pleasure
Tough guy bouncer: “Pain don’t hurt”
Windpipe finisher

The Rock
Connery and Cage
Breaking in to Alcatraz
Bad green jelly balls

Room 237
‘The Shining’ insights
Some make you think… ‘huh, wow, cool’
You’ll shake your head too.

Ruby Sparks
Magic typewriter
Rom com with a darkish twist
Honest and deep script

Small guy wants to play
Put him in the game coach!
Crying my eyes out.

The Runaway Jury
A jury for sale
One of the better Grisham’s
Good cast elevates.


The Searchers
Ethan Looks for niece.
Sublime seasonal time shift.
Doorway walkway.

The sci-fi western
Character AND dialogue
Fanboy moments. Yeah!

Dark, stylish thriller
Sinful serial killer
A gift wrapped ending

Seven Psychopaths
Boozy writer blocked
Self aware, quotable joy
Walken in fine form

Nineteen forty one
Violence in the shadows
A third act let down.

Shaun Of The Dead
Pegg, Frost, Wright zom com
Apocolypse hits Britain
They’ve got red on them

The Shawshank Redemption
Hope can set you free
Life affirming prison tale

Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game Of Shadows
Not as absorbing
Can’t fault lead performances
Felt longer than was

The Shining
Two Thirty Seven
Multi-layered mind meltdown
All work and no play…

Side Effects
Prescription drugs woe
Mara, Law on fine form but…
Caused me drowsiness

Silence of the Lambs
Closer. Closer please.
Hopkins chilling as Lecter.
Need help to find Bill.

Sin City
Based on the comics
Gritty, hard boiled, crime stories
Rourke born to play Marv.

Singin’ in the Rain
Gotta dance, Kelly!
The beginning of talkies.
Still best in genre.

The Sixth Sense
He sees dead people
Twist end spoiled a lot by twats
Red symbolism

Vulnerable Bond
Blend of past and what’s to come
Best of my lifetime

Sleepy Hollow
A Burton folk tale
Headless Horseman rides again!
Lackluster third act

The Social Network
More than just Facebook
Sorkin’s script sings so sweetly
TonyEvs likes this.

Source Code
Sci-fi deja vu
Eight minutes to save the world
Short and sweet. Decent.

The Raimi reboot
Goblin mask so restrictive
An iconic kiss

The Spiral Staircase
Hitchcock influence
Silent damsel in distress
Dated but tenseful

Stake Land
Vamp apocalypse
New take on tired genre
Religious psychos

Stand By Me
The friendship of four
Off to see a dead body
A heartbreaking fade

Star Trek 2: Into Darkness
Gaping plot black holes
Dammit man, who cares? It’s fun
Beware. Underwear.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Anakin’s journey
Darth Maul’s double light sabre
Jar Jar Fucking Binks

Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones
Droids and clones battle
Leads devoid of chemistry
Yoda owns Dooku

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith
Four lightsabres! FOUR!
Slaughtering of the Jedi’s
Darth Vader begins

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Space ship fill the screen
Not the droids you’re looking for
Obsession starts here.

Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back
An AT-AT attack
Carbonite prison for Han
Lose a hand, gain a….

Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi
Rescue at Jabba’s
Ewoks bring down Empire
Vader redemption

Image artistry
Psychological. In parts.
Economic script

Sunset Boulevard
Body in the pool
She’s ready for her close up
Hollywood demise

Super 8
Abrams does Spielberg
Enough with the blue lens flare
Warm, eighties feeling.

Superman Returns
Routh fills the costume
Ultimately, fails to fly
Sequel Kryptonite

Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance
Deaf mute with green hair
Needs kidney for sister
Things go bloody wrong


The thunder brothers
Ready to hate but…liked… it?
Crude bear, Marky Mark

The Terminator
Sent from the future
Looking for Sarah Connor
“I’ll be back!” He was.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Have you seen this boy?
He’s now a friendly cyborg
Mega blockbuster

They Came Together
Spoofing the rom-com
Rudd, Poehler, great together.
Electro shatting.

Thirteen Days
Missiles in Cuba
Nuclear war avoided
“The will of good men…”

A toast. To Branagh!
Not well known superhero
Loved it. Joy giggles

Thor: The Dark World
Fight over Aether
Loki steals the show again
London takes a hit

Three Men and a Baby
Baby doorstep drop
Hijinks with diapers and drugs
Made by Nimoy? Whaaaat?

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
British spy thriller.
Slow but thoughtful. Has a brain.
Oldman oozes class.

Tin Tin
Motion capture deal
What Indy 4 should have been
Spielberg at his best.

Tiny Furniture
Low budget borecore
They’re so damn dislikeable
Self obsessed whining

Disney fantasy
A great female lead with brains
Uneven story

Top Gun
Feels the need for speed.
Goose’s bird was always cooked.
High testosterone.

To Rome With Love
Four messy stories
The worst Allen film I’ve seen
There’s not much ‘love’ here.

Total Recall (1990)
Cult Arnie classic
Needs to get his ass to Mars
Start the reactor

Total Recall (2012)
Earth elevator
Suffers from comparison
Wish I could forget…

Scottish cult novel.
Named after pointless hobby.
Like drug taking, hmm?

Less that meets the eye
Optimus V Megatron
Annoying humans

‘Thriller’ with no thrills
I forgave you Schumacher!
Back in bad books, pal.

Troll Hunter
A ‘Blair Witch’ approach.
Proper cinema!

Tucker & Dale Vs Evil
Horror side splitter
Rednecks in woods with a twist
Word of mouth success


Modern comic book
Like the twist, hate the method
Slow paced pondering

Untouchable (Les Intouchables)
Paraplegic fun (!)
Culture clash brings close friendship
Laughs, but felt empty.

The Untouchables
The Chicago way
Got him on tax evasion
“Never stop fighting”


V For Vendetta
Heroine head shave
Anarchist in Guy Fawkes mask
Blowing up London


A Walk Among the Tombstones
Twelve step detective
Another Neeson phone threat
Do me a favour…

MMA Rocky
Hardy = specimen
Obvious but fun

Waynes World
Basement TV show
Benjamin is no-one’s friend
Rocking out to Queen.

Welcome To The Jungle
Bit like Midnight Run
Food loving bounty hunter
Arnie torch passing

Theme park of future
One idea. Run with it

Blood on the drum kit.
Percusion perfection please.
Music obsession.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Murder in Toontown
Eddie Valiant PI
Laugh yourself to death

Wreck-It Ralph
Formula with niche
Bad guy but not a bad guy
Brought joy to my pad.

The Woman In Black
Old fashioned horror
Radcliffe is a leading man
That’s one scary ass ’12′


X-Files: I Want To Believe
Psychic peado priest
Like a long, bad episode
‘Truth’ can stay out there.

X-Men 2
A war is coming.
Stryker flashbacks for Logan.
Phoenix is rising.

X-Men: First Class
Mutant beginnings
New life in fading franchise
Fanboy cameo


Young Adult
Theron nails ‘mean girl’
Back home for her married ex


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Easy to read and meant to be fun welcome to Film Haiku. If you like, FOLLOW! Also here: @haiku_film

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